December

I know it's been a while. I've just been busy. Working and getting ready for Christmas and taking the kids to doctors appointments.

Sam is feeling funky. She said she had a fluid pocket on her back the other day. She's been at Aunt Ruthies....Alec is here tonight. I had to shovel lots today. Not happy about it. Chris had 2 snowblowers and he gave them away. I could have used one.

Monday.....

Calvin and Jenni are in Michigan. I'm off all next week and she picks this week to come. I am hoping we can get over there tonight but it's a school night and Sam's teacher is coming over. So we'll see....She always does this. I know she's anxious to come home but we always are busy or I'm working. Oh well. Not much going on. Alec is in the Builders Club and Video Game Club at school. Sam might be going back part time on November 19, 2 weeks from today. That's about it...

Ellen's album

Photobucket Album

Melanie

OHMIGOSH. Just one of those moments that catch you by surprise. I have a sister named Melanie who lives in Texas. She and I share paternal DNA. I never got to see her as a child because they lived far away in Michigan and then Arizona and finally Texas. She just called me, I haven't talked to her in 15 years I bet. Last time I looked, she was like 11. Now she's 37. Whew. I think she said 37. She looks like an actress named Kay Lenz. That's what I remember. She talks with a Texas drawl, much like my sister Mary. My sister Jenni and I talk like normal people....hahahaha. The donor of the paternal DNA we share is apparently dying in a hospital in Portland Oregon. She has to make some decisions about DNR and stuff and was kind enough to call her "missing" siblings to see what their thoughts, if any, were. I really don't have any, he left when I was 4 and Mary was 3 and John was about 3 months old. I went to visit him and his mom, my namesake, Grandma Ellen, about 5 years ago, 3 months before Sam got sick. I love my grandma. She always kept in touch with us and we'd see her on holidays. She lived in a little house in Detroit, 1933 Green St. I wonder if that's why green is my favorite color??!! Grandma will be 91 in December. I hope I take after her side as far as longevity goes. Her mom lived to be 96. My mom was 51 and her mom was 52 when they died, so GO Grandma Ellen. So thank you Melanie for calling me. It means a lot that you included our thoughts in your decision. I just wish I could have helped you. But I'm glad for the blessing of talking to you tonight. You're my sister and I do love you. Oh and the weirdest thing??? She has 3 sons, Nicholas, Alex and Samuel. I have four kids, Nikolaas, Alec and Sammi. OH and Caitlin. I think it's very odd that our kids have the same names. Like long lost twins that find out all the things they have in common. Weird!!

Happy Birthday Alec!!!

Today my baby turned 13. Holy Cow, where did the time go??? Alec is an amazing boy, despite his problems. I told his teacher in 2nd grade I would never change his "problems" (at the time, he had significant speech problems) because he wouldn't be my Alec! Coming thru these problems will make him a stronger adult and person. I love you Alec, more than my life. I love you.

I'm baaaaaack!!!

This is Alec's wall of support when he was in the hospital. He got a lot of cards and letters and stuff. He's doing really well, 18 lbs and 3.3 inches. That's what he's gained since March, 90% of it since July.

Sam is not doing well. Headaches, nausea, crap crap crap.

I am ok. Nik is talking about having a benefit for us at his bar next month. I am really struggling. The kids don't know, they shouldn't have to deal with it. I struggle to hide it. I am ok at it, not great. But I recover fast when I falter. I struggle with everything, I'm sick of it but right now I have no choice. I could just lay in bed and cover my head and hide but I can't do that. I want to once in a while, but usually I just get out there and do what I gotta do.

Sammi in the hospital

I just love this picture. It's pretty. Sam is in the hospital again with dehydration. They want to put her on a schedule for her DDAVP but I can guarantee that's not going to work. Sam is so bruised up. They're taking blood every four hours and the first IV try totally blew up. She looks very bruised. OY. She's feeling ok today, just headachy. So am I. We're going to visit Skylar, who is 2 doors down and then go for a little walk. Caitlin is coming home tonight. Nik should be back in Michigan now, he was in New York for the weekend. I think he had a blast. I hope we can all get together but I have to work Wed and Thursday. I might take tomorrow off.

Days....

Cutelin, I just love you....and miss you....you sounded pretty good today.

I start days tomorrow. I'm very glad. But it felt weird having Chris pick up the kids tonight and me just sitting here by myself. I remember when we first separated, Sunday nights were very hard for me. I think it'll be easier this time. We'll see.

We had fun at my cousins. Alec learned how to play bocce ball, he actually liked it. I got a little sunburned. I'm tired. Have to get up early tomorrow, I'm going to try and make it to work early to work out. Hahahaha. Football draft is Tuesday. Jon and I usually do pretty well. We usually win our division and a couple years ago were in the finals. Ok, I have dishes to do and a lunch to make.

Last night...

Last night of mids is tonight. Woo Hoo. We were at my dads yesterday for a nice visit. It was quiet....and cool....and we took Lucy for a walk. Sam was feeling ok at that moment. It's an hour to hour thing. We might go to Greenfield Village today. It's just beautiful out. I sent an email to Sam's endo. She weighed herself today, down to 79.6 lbs after weighing 86 a few weeks ago or a month ago. I have no idea why she's losing weight again. Dr Sood said she is very complicated. He's right. He usually is.

Alec is eating bacon and cereal right now. He just woke up, it's noon. I had to wake him up. School starts in 4 days. He's been going to sleep late, so we'll fix that this weekend. Ok, I'll update tomorrow. Oh, Shawn is doing ok, might be going home today. And her best friend, a dispatch supervisor for another dept, is also a good friend of mine. She runs the auto show thing every year. She has thyroid cancer but it's very treatable. Bad things come in 3's. OY

Shawn

This is us at our favorite restaurant, Xochimilco's in Detroit. They have great Mexican food. I have been going there since I was married to Cait and Nik's dad. (Yes I'm a two time marriage loser). I asked the kids to pose for a picture. This is the reaction I always get. Sam doesn't mind, Nik hates it and Caitlin kind of co-operates.

My friend Shawn had a meningioma removed today. It's "benign" but we all know there's no such thing as a benign brain tumor. They got 85-90 % out. Hopefully it won't grow back and they won't have to do radiation. Her son said she's doing ok, Sam and I might go visit her on Wednesday. Alec has an appointment with his psychologist tomorrow. His anxiety has gone into hyperdrive. Since he doesn't really have food anxiety anymore (well it's a lot less), his anxiety in other areas has increased. Apparently he has to maintain a certain level of anxiety for his comfort. I really don't understand it but it makes sense. She said she's just going to focus on his anxiety for now, since it's really interfering with his day to day life. He had a complete meltdown at the Tigers game we went to about a month ago. He was shaking, sweating, crying. He thought we were going to get mugged, he thought the stadium was going to fall down, he thought we'd get hit by baseballs, he thought it was going to storm, he thought Chris and DJ were going to fall over the edge of the stadium. He got thru it but it was horrible. We're going to a day game in September, courtesy of our friend Zoe, and he said that will be fine. The game last month was a night game.

I'm tired today, but only have 1 more night to go on mids. HOORAY!!!!

Midnights

This is Sam getting ready for one of the dozens of x-rays she's had this year. Dozens. Several dozen. How many x-rays can a kid get before you start to worry? Several dozen I think.

She's still not feeling well. Tomorrow neurosurg is going to discuss her amongst themselves and then call us. She has orientation for high school on Tuesday morning. She doesn't want to miss that. I called her when I woke up this afternoon and her voice was about 3 octaves higher than normal, which is how she sounds when she's not feeling well. Oh well, we'll know more tomorrow I guess.

Alec is doing well. He's about 74 lbs. Sam's down to 82. She was 86 about a month ago. Caitlin told me last night she had good news for me but I never got to hear it because Redford blew up and we were busy all night. Nik called today because he has a freckle in his belly button he never noticed before. So he called me to ask me if it's always been there. Kind of a weird conversation, because he can't see it. So his girlfriend had to describe it to me. He was born with a large birthmark on his stomach, it was shaped like a heart. But they removed it when he was younger, due to the size and the possibility it could turn into cancer. So he's a bit freaked by the new one. And he doesn't have health insurance right now.

2 more nights on mids. Last night made me realize I'm really going to miss these guys. and girl. We had a lot of fun even through the stupidity. Days will be fun too. It's much busier and time goes by faster. Plus it's a normal sleep schedule. I'm looking forward to it. The bosses are good (like on mids). Chris is going to Boston for 4 days, so I took Wednesday night off, we are going to have a fun week. It's supposed to be cooler. That is good. Ok, I'm going to try and go back to sleep for a few hours. I'll update again tomorrow.

My head hurts

Doesn't Caitlin look peaceful???? She and Alec are just the cutest sleepers. They look like babies. Samantha is usually clenching her forehead or getting up to go to the bathroom, when I look at her at night. Her DI kicks in and she has to go to the bathroom a lot. But Caitlin and Alec sleep like babies. Nikolaas sleeps like he's under anesthesia. He's always been difficult to wake up. He sleeps like the dead.

We are going to see Nik tomorrow and go to lunch with him. I'm excited, so is Sam. Alec is a little nervous about lunch but I think he'll be fine once he gets there.

I worked last night, came home today, faced and solved my latest crisis, picked up the kids, went back to bed, got up because the nurse was here to weigh Alec and then went to work for 6 hours of overtime. Now I'm headachy and tired but not really ready to go to bed. I'm going to have some ice cream I think. It's so fricking humid today, it's a nightmare. Tomorrow is going to be worse. Then it's supposed to let up a bit. Ok, I'm off....

Tuesday

Crappy, Shitty, Crappy day. Kids are fine. I'm not. I'm sure I'll be fine with a day off of work.

This is Alec and Sam when Alec was in the hospital. That's my dad in the background. He's old. Hahahaha He loves it when I remind him. Ok, I'm going to work. I'm sure it'll be great.

Rainy Monday

Sam, as Hermione Granger, casting her spell over the world. It's been raining for 2 days. Which is good. But the roads are all flooded. Sam saw Dr Sood today, he thinks her headaches are just plain old migraines. She thinks it's her shunt. I am torn. On one hand, it's her headache, I should trust that she knows what she's talking about. On the other hand, Dr Sood is an excellent excellent neurosurgeon and I should trust that he knows what he's talking about. I'm going to increase her Topamax and see if that helps.

I just love this picture. It's Sam feeling good. Right now she has the "no one is listening to me" look on her face. I hate that face. But not too much I can do at this point. Alec is still sleeping and it's 11:30. He's turning into a teenager before my very eyes. OY.

Caitlin is doing well, coming to some realizations that I pointed out months ago. It's fun watching her try to figure out what I've already told her. Well, maybe not fun....Interesting. Nik is doing well, he's trying to figure out some stuff for himself. Being legally blind is really cramping his style I think. My kids are great. I'm so lucky.

Survivors!!

Look at these 3 survivors!!! Alec, Lizzie and Sammi. This was taken the last day at Camp Sunshine and for some reason this is the only picture we took! What were we thinking? Lizzie is just the most polite person I've ever met in my life. I have a feeling if I met her sisters and brother, they'd be the same way. She and Sam have a lot of the same issues, hormonal and social. They are buddies.

Sunset

Last night the sunset was gorgeous. The sun was huge. This isn't it. This is from 2 months ago up north, over the water. I wish I lived by the water. Someday I will, somehow.

Picked up Sam today, she's still feeling cruddy. We see her neurosurgeon on Monday. She's not hopeful he'll be able to help.

Alec ate about 1250 calories at my house today. He's supposed to eat about 2000 a day. That's a lot for a kid. But he's well on his way today.

Caitlin called me yesterday, she was cracking up up, talking about the guy that hit her with his car because he was on his cell phone (which is illegal in Chicago anyway) and not paying attention. Then I reminded her that I ran over her foot one morning after working mids and I was very tired and in a hurry. Not sure if she felt better or not but that inattentive man was not the first person to hit her with a car. That was her mother.

Haven't talked to Nik. I'm sure he's fine. Ok Bye all, off to work I go, to slug it out with Charlie.

Alec is home!!!

We got home earlier today, I took a nap and we are getting ready to eat dinner. Doesn't he look great? This was a few months ago but he is awesome. Alec I love you so much.

We have had a lot of long good talks. Sometimes they're difficult but it's good for us to talk. I told him he makes me a better mom. And it's true. Today his psychologist told me I'm the strongest mom she's ever known. I think that's awesome, I hope it's true. I try.

Monday

It's so nice out today,not too hot not humid...just right. Going to cut the grass in a little while. For some reason my idiot neighbor insists on parking her car in front of my house. Something about the tree in her front yard hosts a bunch of birds that like to poo on her car. Well, sorry that's not my problem. So I have to look at her crappy van sitting in front of my house all day and all night. I asked her last week to move it so I can cut my grass and now I have to ask her again. This is the same neighbor that burns wood in their BBQ 24 hours a day and all the smoke blows in my house. So they already irritate me. I know, in the big scheme of things, this is not a big deal but it's really annoying. If I just go out and cut the grass, I'll probably do damage to her car. And that's nothing I need to deal with.

Ok on to important things. Alec probably coming home today or tomorrow. He's been kind of focusing on a few different foods and I know they want him to eat different things so I guess we'll be working on that. Sam is at Ruthie's (I think she wants to move there) and is having a ball, says she's feeling ok, but having intermittent dizziness. I take them to the reg docs on Wednesday for check ups. Alec has to go under general anesthesia on Friday to get his teeth cleaned. He absolute freaks out at the dentist and needs to have them cleaned really well so it'll be much easier this way. Caitlin is all settled in at her new house.....Nikolaas is busy working....Life is life.....

Today

Had to work last night. Alec is coming home for 2 meals a day now. He's doing great. Chris is falling off the deep end. Lying, not working, drinking...Great.. He has the kids this weekend. At least today he went to his moms so I don't have to worry about him over there. He's absolutely useless. And he'll never admit it.

Sam is still feeling like crap. I haven't heard from Caitlin in a few days, Nik called the other night to talk to his momma. I love that.

Alec the Amazing...

Alec is amazing, I am tired, Caitlin has moved, Nikolaas took care of his girlfriend, Sammi is safely tucked away at Aunt Ruthies house, Abbey is still flabby and Amy misses Samantha. I'll write more tomorrow.

Alec

Well, Alec is still in the hospital, probably will be for at least 2-3 weeks. He's making some progress. He has to earn visitation with us. So far today he's got 2 hours banked. But today is Nik's birthday so we're going out to eat then we'll go visit Al. I couldn't sleep today, even tho I'm dead tired. So I'll slug out one more night of work then I'm off Friday then I'm working Sat and Sun for Lisa. It'll be ok, since we can't see Alec til 6pm anyway.

Sam's coming home on Saturday. I can't wait to see her. Caitlin was home yesterday just for the day. As soon as I saw her, I just started bawling. I know when I see Nik I'm going to cry (tearing up just thinking about it) and when I see Sam I'll cry. I'm just a walking talking bawling mess this week. But it's ok, better than drinking or doing drugs.

I printed out a bunch of jokes to send Alec. I mailed him 2 letters yesterday, going to try to mail a couple a day. Ok gotta get ready to meet my boy..haven't seen him since my birthday....

Alec

Alec did great today. Of course he is not eating "food" yet but that starts tomorrow. I am very proud of him. He let me come home since I had to work last night and was very tired today. Alec I love you more than you will ever know. I tell you that all the time, I know you do not understand it. You will one day when you are a parent. Until then, rest assured, you are loved.

Nik's eyes...

sux.......He told me last night he's now legally blind...correctable to 20/200. I'm so bummed for him. At first I had a good feeling about his eyes, but I think that's because he doesn't always tell me how bad it is. Now I know that it's bad and there's absolutely nothing that we can do about it. He's applying for SSI. Tomorrow is Alec's medical conference, to decide what we're going to do. Sam's at camp til the 22nd. Caitlin is moving into a new apartment. I am ok....just ok.

Frustration

Sam is frustrated. She didn't want to go to school today because she feels so left out. She went to Cedar Point yesterday with the class but something must have happened. I'll ask her about it in a few days. I'm frustrated with about 5 things. I'm 44 now..I guess that's ok. I have no money, that's not ok and I'm sick of struggling. Sick....I blame Chris. I am feeling very lonely these days. I blame Chris. Nikolaas called me today. He wants to file for social security, his eyes are that bad. It's horrible. I can't believe I have a son who may be blind one day. I'm sick of being frustrated for Sam. There's just nothing I can do to make her feel better. I talked to her endo today, we're going to increase her night time cortef to 7.5, since we increased the morning dose, she's gained 7 lbs, which is awesome. But she's tired all the time again. Since it was originally increased, she's gained about 10 lbs, so we think maybe she just needs a bigger dose. So we'll try it and see what happens. She's worried about school next year. My house is hot, I can't afford to buy a big a/c for my living room window which is really big. I have about 20 dollars til next Friday and no gas in my car. I know no one reads this but it makes me feel better to journal what I'm obsessing about. Alec is plugging along, he starts a new anti depressant on Friday. No progress on food. He's so small. Caitlin came home for a few days and we all met Nik downtown yesterday, so that was nice but he was kind of crabby and I'm really not sure whats going on with him. Ok, I'm done bitching for the day. We leave next Friday for Camp Sunshine. I think it's going to make me feel better to be there, it's just an awesome place and we are going to meet Mary Alice and her daughter Lizzie, which will be the most awesome of all....Sam is very excited.

Sunday

We had a good day today, I worked shift supp last night but got up at 1pm. Then the kids came home from Nana's and we went on a picnic at Elizabeth Park. Then we came home and I took a little nap. Wanted to get some housework done but I'll do it tomorrow. Sam's been feeling weird all day, says her legs are jumpy. She's asleep now but really really wants to go to school this week, her last week. Cedar Point is on Wednesday, which is also my birthday. Caitlin is coming home and then on Wed, we're all going to dinner at Xochimilco's, the best Mexican food this side of the border.

Alec is doing ok....he helped me with some yardwork yesterday but was not happy about it. He went swimming and DJ spent the night so he had a good weekend. Ok, talk later...11 days til Camp Sunshine!!!!

Room 576-2

Sam's doing ok I think. Her pressures were spiking all night but they seem settled right now. Dr Sood just came in, he doesn't think it's her shunt. He's going to have neurology come in to talk to her and re-examine the headache issue. I don't know if it's her shunt but I think it's definately her hydro that's causing the headaches. It sounds like he might do another MRI, as her shoulders and neck have been hurting. Maybe the chiari has come back since her valve is set so high. We'll find out later, I suppose....

Number 33

Well Sam is having another surgery next Tuesday, she's still not feeling well and they've adjusted her shunt as high as they can. She's really bummed out, she's missing her 8th grade dinner. Nik is coming home tomorrow for a few hours and Caitlin is coming home in 11 days. For my birthday!!! I'm so excited....Ok, I have to work this weekend....Blah

New Valve

Sam got a new valve last week and seems to be feeling better, although she had a headache all day yesterday and slept til noon. So I am a little nervous about that. But hopefully it is just post surgery tiredness and headache. (Yeah right!!!). On Saturday the kids spent the night at Ruthies. Now keep in mind Sam just had 3 surgeries last week. I was at work. Chris is supposed to be responsible. I called the kids and no one answered so I called Chris at like 8pm to see if he had heard from them. Of course, he was highly intoxicated. So if something happened to one of the kids, I would have to leave work to take care of it. God forbid he be responsible for one fricking night. Then last night he calls Sam and tells her at 8pm that he has to go to bed early as he has to get up early for work. He missed work 4 days last week. He cannot take Alec to camp because he is an idiot and did not check the dates and took the wrong days off. He was not at work this morning, he is still at home probably hungover, probably not going to work today. So as usual he is full of shit. God I am so sick of him and his bull shit. He tells me he is going to be short money this month. Yeah, I would be short too if I only worked one day last week. I do not know what he tells people at work but I am sure he is using Sam as an excuse. Loser.

We're still here....

Well, tomorrow they'll either replace or fix Sam's valve...they can't tell if it's working cuz they can't see it. It's facing upwards instead of outwards. So hopefully we'll be home on Wednesday. I know she needs this shunt but if it wasn't so high maintenance that would be awesome. Surgery number 32 is outrageous and out of control. Love, Ellen

Friday

Sam is going back in Friday for an ICP monitor. On Monday, she woke up with a bad headache and next to her burr hole she has a big bump. So I took her downtown, they said it was a calcium deposit on a tendon and it was being irritated. They said her headaches were from allergies. It just doesn't make sense to me. She's been doing really well. Today the bump was bigger so we called and they're gonna do the ICP. We'll see. I'm just frustrated and I know Sam is too.

Beautiful Day...

It was so nice out today. We spent the night last night in a hotel with Sammis bestest friend, Simonne. They had a blast. Alec got to check out her feeding tube. I think it made him feel better, she can swim and she participates in gym (minus the breathing problems). She seemed really tired this time. She needs a tune up in my uneducated opinion. She is going on her make a wish trip in a couple of weeks. Give Kids the World. Sounds like heaven. She has never been on a plane or even farther than Ohio, from home. I took a nap when we got home. Sam got a new guinea pig today. She is really cute, small brown and white. Abbey just sits there and looks at her.

Sam is doing well in school, going 5 hours a day. Alec is ok, we will see again on Friday how much he weighs. I really really think he needs a feeding tube. OY.
Caitlin is doing ok, her and significant other broke up so she has been up and down but sounded good today. Nik called me the other night just to talk which was nice. Back to work tomorrow..nothing big going on this week, the kids have a half day tomorrow. I work Monday, Tuesday and the three day weekend. Blah.

Few Months...

Internet was out, back thanks to Caitlin it's working again.. She came home for a few days, it was so good to see her. She's just beautiful and I love her to death.

Sam has been out of school since I last updated, she went back today. Bad case of GERD but she's on meds now and is sleeping better. Her endo increased her morning dose of cortef and that's really helped with her energy levels in the morning. So she's getting there.

Alec.....went to see GI yesterday. They still don't want to put in a feeding tube. So we're letting him eat what he wants and pushing the amounts a bit and seeing if he can gain weight. He has to weigh himself everyday. And then we see him next week. I'm still torn but he's going to be going on anti-anxiety meds again so maybe that will help.

Nik is doing well, we met him for dinner on Monday. It was fun. He's so entertaining. Sam loves to see him as much as I do, so she was happy.

I'm back on nights, hating it but it's necessary at this point for the kids. Blah. Ok, time to go, will update again soon, now that we have internet again.

Days....

Going to days on Friday...for a month...to train a girl who's having trouble. Should be interesting. It's going to be a pain for the kids getting to and from school but someone had to go to days and I really was the only one who could do it. I will be glad to sleep at night for a month that's for sure. But I really hate getting up at 5:30 in the morning. UGH.

I nominated Sam for Real American Girl of 2007 today. If she wins, she'll win entire collection of Nikki and a trip to Chicago. She just loves American Girl dolls. Tonight is a dance at school. She's pretty excited. She gets to go to school early and help decorate, it will be good for her, to get together socially with some of the kids before the dance. I know she's nervous about it. I can't believe she'll be in high school next year. We need to get this sleep thing under control. She has to go to high school full time or it will delay her graduation. We don't want to deal with that. Ok, I have to clean the house.

Negative...

Sam's ultrasound was negative...So now we're back to we have no idea whats wrong. Her stomach is just killing her. She wakes up crying everyday. Has trouble sleeping. Sleeping at least 12 hours a day. Only went to school one day this week. And that was under duress. Alec is doing well. Caitlin has had a rough week. Nik sounds like he's doing well. I'm off for the weekend but I have to work tomorrow, I owe Lisa a day. It's going to be fricking cold this weekend. Highs in the single digits. Lows in the negatives, wind chills in the way negatives. I plan on doing nothing. BRRRRRRR....Too cold. Waiting for Dr Sabal to call me back to discuss Sam. What to do next. What to do....

Sammi

Sam's tummy has been hurting her for 5 or 6 days. So I took her downtown yesterday and they ruled out her shunt leaking. So I take her to reg doc to find out if she has a bladder infection and if not then I'll take her downtown for an abdominal ultrasound. She's had a slight fever, which is odd for her, her temp is usually quite low, in the 97's. It's been running 99.1 or so. She missed school yesterday, I'm going to try and get her there today, the pain is usually worse in the morning which is odd.

I had court this morning. I drove there in snow storm. Got dressed, walked in and they said "I don't know why they keep issuing these subpeonas on pre-trials, they don't need you here". I guess the extra money will be nice, but it also would have been nice to stay home with my sick kid and not spend all that time on the road and use all that gas for nothing. Ridiculous.

Charlie

At work....Weirdos abound....then there are the prisoners..Best thing about my job....people I work with...Worst thing about my job...people I work with...Altho it's been much better lately....I really like my shift. It's a lot of fun. They work hard and it's a lot more fun when they're out looking for bad guys. This place is such a soap opera. No one would believe it so I can't even talk about it.

Caties mom and dad had a new baby yesterday. Can't even imagine one baby dying last Friday and having a new baby the next. Isabelle Claire. I can't even imagine. Sam says she's feeling good, altho she felt really crappy today. Alec had fun building some new ships this afternoon. OK, hopefully I'll get some good sleep today and be ready for a busy Saturday night.

Sam back in school...

Did I mention Sam is back in school? Only 2 hours a day but I told her next week it's going to be 3. Actually it'll turn out to be 4, because it includes lunch. But that will be good for her to socialize with her friends. The topamax is helping with her headaches. Tomorrow we cut out one more dose of the neurontin so that should help with the sleepiness. It's fricking cold outside. 19 degrees and windy as hell. But sunny. Alec is doing ok. He's been playing a pirate game at school everyday with a group of boys. He got an A on a social studies packet. Conferences are next week. He is still eating like crap. We're still working on it. It seems hopeless. Maybe it's just going to be up to him. I don't know. Caitlin is good and Nik is good. Things are good this week. I'm tired tho.

Done...

Done with the auto show, it was weird this year...the weather wasn't real co-operative so the first few days were dead. Saturday was packed tho. Only 110,000 showed up. I could have sworn it was 150,000. Sam is at school. Alec is at school. Caitlin is probably working. Nik is probably sleeping. I was thinking about which kid is my favorite yesterday. Everyone wonders if one of their kids is their favorite. Everyone denies it. I don't think I have a favorite, I'm not sure. Here's what drives me crazy about them. Alec is very high maintenance. So is Caitlin. I think it has something to do with the way they look when they're sleeping. They both look like babies. They have big huge eyes and a roundness about their faces the other two just don't have. Therefore, they're just big babies who cause me a lot of grief. Sam is moody. It drives me crazy. I kill myself taking care of her and she treats me like crud a lot. Giving me one syllable unintelligible answers, it is maddening. Nik is a jerk. He's impatient, stubborn and treats people like crap. Ok, now the good stuff. Alec is nice to everyone he meets until they treat him badly, he loves his mother like crazy and he is a very good son, always listens to me and always does what he's told. He's funny like Jim Carrey funny and makes us laugh all the time. Sam is smart, beautiful, funny in her own sarcastic twisted way and loves me too, even tho she hates to admit it. She faces her battles everyday with strength and humor and grace. Caitlin is loyal, funny, gorgeous and she makes me proud to be her mother everytime I talk to her. She and I are much closer than we should be. She's 18 for God's sake. She's smart and brave and I wish I were more like her. Nik is handsome and very smart (too smart) and responsible and he cares about his family very much even tho he is a 21 year old man. He makes me proud too, not letting his eyesight problems stop him. I can't wait til he moves to Chicago, then he and Caitlin can be together and be there for each other. Oh and somehow, all 4 of my kids are liberal Democrats. I don't know how that happened, but we hardly ever talked about politics when they were little. Nik and Sam are probably the most liberal. Alec is right up there and Caitlin is too....Good thing we live in Michigan, where our votes usually count for something....

New Year Post

Happy New Year. We had a good Christmas. Took Nik, Sam and Alec to Chicago to be with Caitlin. It was good to be with all 4 kids together, even if it did cost me $700. It was worth it tho. Next year I'll plan ahead and be able to save a bit of cash. Hopefully we can do it again. I will be off the weekend before Christmas but have to work Christmas Eve and Day. I got a Digital camera and a pretty glass flower and my kids together in Chicago. Might get another present on Wednesday (Suzanne, that's for you!!!!) Started at the auto show last week. I saw the singer Seal today, but didn't get to hear him sing. It's been really busy this year. Which is good, Detroit needs something good. Took the tree down today. Ornaments have been off for about a week but the lights and tree needed to come down. Now I'm left with a mess of needles. UGH.

Sam was supposed to go back to school the Thursday before Christmas, I knew she wasn't ready but I thought it's not going to hurt to push her. She feels like total shit today, excuse my french. I was so hoping she'd be ready, I don't think she will be. Headaches are still around, she's sleeping a lot. She's 5 feet 1/2 inch tall and 77 lbs. Looks like her puberty has stalled a bit so they may be starting that artificially, they've upped her gh to 2.0 mgs and they're amazed her thyroid is still working. Every other hormone in that part of her pituitary is gone. HMMMM weird, that's what her endo says. She's also having some kidney pain, appt with the nephrologist is in a couple of weeks. Don't think that would be causing headaches, but what do I know. She wants to start writing poems for kids who are sick. I think that's cool.

Alec is doing ok. Nothing has changed. We see his psychologist once a week. He's still anxiety ridden. I'm trying to learn to rid myself of anger. HA Good luck with that one. He's not eating. He wants to go to summer camp with Sam. I'm leaning towards sending him and seeing what happens. If he falls over from hunger we'll go pick him up. He's doing well in school, math tutoring and will be starting chess club soon.

Caitlin is still working at the Grand Lux Cafe. She's the front desk girl. The cutest one, I'm sure. She is still beautiful and gorgeous and happy to be alive and I love her to death. I miss her a lot.

Nik is doing well, having more trouble with his eyes than he lets on. We gave him some money for Christmas to get some new glasses. He's working hard, going to school and will be moving to Chicago at some time in the near future, he needs to live somewhere with mass transit. He is still obnoxious and selfish but he's 21 and I'm sure at some point that will be toned down somewhat, at least I hope so. OY

I'm ok. Learning to be by myself. I really don't like it. Sometimes it's harder than others. Holidays are hard. Commercials with people in love...yuck. Makes me mad. I guess jealous. Someday that might be me again. I wish it were now, even tho I know I'm not ready. My kids are more important now and I don't have time for a relationship but jeez it's hard doing all this on my own. Alec graduates from high school in 6 years. Then I'll have some time for me. Hopefully I'll live longer than my mom did. She died when she was 51. I'll be 51 in 7 years. I want more than 1 year for myself. I don't think that's a lot to ask.