Gray Hair

Sam thinks I look good in gray hair, what the hell does she know???? Nothing. So I have fixed the problem and now I have brown hair. She doesn't feel good. Back hurts and swollen (feels warm to me) head hurts when she stands up. She couldn't even describe it, she said it was almost like someone is sitting on her head when she gets up. Tomorrow I take her to Childrens for an EEG to check on her shaking hands but if she's still feeling like crap, we'll go to Neurosurgery so Nancy can tell us that she's constipated.

Alec ate mashed potatoes tonight. The first vegetables to pass his lips since he ate baby food. He cried, gagged, puked and spit out a bite which landed on my pants. But then he ate a bite and swallowed it and laughed at my continued complaining about him spitting potatoes on my pants. He chooses to be upset with himself that he has waited this long to eat potatoes. I told him to not think about the past, it is all up from here baby. But he does not get it. He wants to go to camp this summer, I told him he is going to have to start eating food. Tomorrow I think we will stick with potatoes so he can get used to them. It is almost like feeding a baby for the first time, dont tell him I said that, he is very sensitive. It was a long day and I am crabby and going to bed now, as soon as I see which lesbian the lesbian on "date with my mom" picks.

Drinking not allowed...

Darn it,I'm almost positive that no drinking is allowed at Camp Sunshine. I have the apps too, have our part filled out, just not sure which doc should fill out the "oncologist" part since we luckily never had to deal with that. Thinking neurosurgeon??? I am getting really excited about going...And I hope that B follows up with Dr Allen. He will sit down with her and pay attention to her and listen to what she's saying and look at her H and give her lots of good information.


This weekend was long....Gosh, 36 hours of work in 3 days is a lot. I thought it would get easier over time but nooooooo...Nik came home last night so all 5 of us are together. I have to take Caitlin to see her ortho guy today, Ira. We just love the cute Canadian.

I'm watching "City of Angels" with Meg Ryan and Nicolas Cage...I love this movie but it makes me lonely and that's not good. But it's such a good movie...Ok I'm off for a nap...naps are good.

I can wait 6 days....

Caitlin, don't read anything into this...it's not a date....it's dinner with a friend......

Headaches, headaches, headaches....

Had a nice one myself yesterday....Took a nap, I've been waiting 6 days to do that and when I woke up I had a horrible headache. Took Alec to Ohio and the Dr surprised me by saying she has nothing more to offer us, maybe there's somewhere closer to home she could refer us to. That's fucking great. I don't quite understand this and couldn't really ask her about it since Alec was there. We're going back in a couple of weeks...I don't even know where to go with this. He knows what he needs to do but he's just unwilling to try.

Sam has been having bad headaches again....I think it's the constipation, she doesn't...Maybe I should give some more weight to what she thinks since it's her body, however she is very much against the preferred treatment for constipation and may just be trying to fool me. Wouldn't be the first time...They're going to be starting her on estrogen, possibly in 3 months. We decided that when it starts, she's going to change the song on her website to "Man, I feel like a woman" by Shania Twain.

Caitlin is taking finals this week and is happy because Rachel is spending the week with us. Cortney spent the night last night, as did Kelly, I think. I am glad she has so many friends...Again, I'll complain about the size of my house. Not enough room for 3 people to spend the night...We had fun the other night, we went to BW3's for dinner, took Sammi...we all laughed our asses off. It was a good night.

Nik is coming back on Sunday to spend 2 fun filled days with us. He had to leave on Monday and therefore Sam told him he had to come back...I'll be off on Monday and Tuesday so she'll get to spend more time with him. She just loves him to death. Nik and my Uncle Mike always have lots to talk about. My uncle is a, let's just say, he's very worker oriented in politics in Canada. There have been times when he was banned from crossing the border....But he's funny and cool and very non violent. My aunt Betty came over, she's 91 and slowing down but she loves her family very much. Aunt Pam, who works at the casino in Windsor, is looking for a clear purse for work. She has to wear a jump suit with no pockets and carry a clear purse, so as not to be tempted to steal large amounts of canadian currency that belong to the casino. Uncle Joe got in a fight with a Corelle plate and lost, but he looks much better. Was choking, hit the floor, plate first. Got large laceration over his left eye, and shards of corelle were embedded in his neck and chest....Yuck.... And my cousin Jess is 15 now, Grade 10 (not 10th grade, it's Canada after all) and beautiful...We had a lot of fun on Sunday....

Ok, I guess that's it...I should be updating more often now that the auto show is over....

2 weeks???? I don't think so....

Oooops, someone forgot me..but I won't take it personally. Things are good today because tomorrow is pay day. Work was long today, pretty busy...lots of prisoners and good stuff like that. And my favorite, lots of stupid people on the phone. A lady said I was a bitch. She might have been right. Any day I come home uninjured is a good day. Tomorrow, endo appt for Sammi. She's having some hip pain which she is convinced is slipped epiphysis. That's when your hip bone grows out of the joint. It happens to some kids on growth hormone. She's funny. She's smart and she's my daughter...Fun weekend planned. Bowling, Detroit Historical Museum on Saturday.. and on Sunday it's the Canadian Family Reunion. Nik is coming home, Caitlin and Rachel will be here and all my relatives. It's going to be a lot of fun, I just wish I had a bigger house..OY....

Auto Show

We went to the auto show tonight, it was lots of fun. Alec and Sam sat in every car they could and they had a couple cars where they took their picture with a digital camera and after tomorrow it will be on the internet. They were so excited. Caitlin and Rachel went with us. They got to see where I work down there.....Alec didn't want to go at first but when he saw the Jeeps, he just went crazy. He's got a thing for Jeeps.

Now we're doing homework, taking showers and waiting for the second installment of '24' to start. Thank you Mary Alice, I am doing the best I can "now" and will try to forgive myself. Nik and Caitlin both accepted my apology and Caitlin said they talked later and I am a great mom. We're praying for Lizzie's scans to come out as great as Sam's did. Love.....

Self Realization Sux

Ohmigod....I feel like I just got hit by a car and my best friend told me to F off all at once. I was at Chris' house, they've been watching home videos all day and Sam was excited for me to watch this one of her and Alec dancing and singing. She was like 8 so he would have been about 6. They were so cute and we were cracking up because Alec was in his underwear and didn't know the words, but very expressively singing. Then Caitlin was in the background, she helped Alec put his guitar back on after the strap broke and then she must have sang and Sam told her to be quiet. She must have sang again and Chris said to her, "Go...just go"... really snotty, Like he always talked to Nik and and a lot to Caitlin. Caitlin went upstairs and apparently I didn't say a fucking word. What the hell was wrong with me??? I can't believe I didn't say anything. Didn't I care about Caitlins feelings? Was it so important to keep Chris happy that I let my children suffer? Well the answer folks is yes. Oh my God, I just feel horrible. I just tried to call Caitlin to apologize and she didn't answer. I don't think I can ever apologize enough for what I've done. I just left his house in tears, the kids calling after me, but I am so ashamed of myself, I couldn't face them. How do you deal with something like this?? Can I ever forgive myself??? Sam asked me tonight if Chris is coming to summer camp with us...The answer is now no....I'm pissed at him too, all Caitlin wanted was to be part of what we were doing and he sent her away. I think Caitlin and Nik spent most of their teenage years up in their rooms, away from him and away from me because apparently I was a big chicken shit around him. Nothing like that will ever happen again...Ever...

Too Much!!!

Too much work, not enough sleep, too much alcohol (not me), too much disruption to the kids....I'll update more tomorrow...Barbara I am sorry I haven't answered you yet, I'm hoping tomorrow....I'll be at work with nothing to do for 18 hours starting at 1am. I got called in, I said yes, therefore I am not the brightest bulb in the pack.

NAIAS

Well, I worked the auto show yesterday, it was fun. Yesterday and today are press days. That means there are a lot of press people there. But that also includes movie stars and stuff, who are assisting the car companies with their new car debuts. Eva Longoria and Angie Harmon were there, along with Tommy Lasorda, who drove a Jeep thru a window. (Dang, I missed that one). I've heard that it costs the car companies 350 millions dollars just to set up the Detroit Auto Show. I hate to think that's true. Imagine if they just didn't do it one year and they donated that money to kids brain tumor research. But it's unbelievable how much they put into this show. And we in the security office all run around like chickens with our heads cut off to help these rich people. Most of them are nice but once in a while you get a snooty one.

Mary Alice, I wonder if she's tired because her GH dose is kind of small. They had to lower it when she started having joint pain and headaches. She'll check her IGF-1 levels for sure. Last time they checked it, we went to the main lab instead of the endo lab and they ran the wrong test. That could make her tired, right?? OY

Dream...

I had a dream last night that Sam had breast cancer and Chris wouldn't help me drive her for her radiation treatments, a girl at work was taking her (why I wasn't, I'm not sure). Finally I started yelling at him but he just turned away like he always does. I'm sure this is related to his inability to assist me in any way for Alec but it's just weird. My mom and grandmother both died of premenopausal bc so I'm sure that's why it was part of this weird dream. OY. We went to see Narnia again. We invited Chris. He actually came. Usually we invite him to things and he declines, mostly due to his level of inactivity I'm sure. If you have 8 bucks, take it and go see this movie. We've seen it 3 times. It was awesome.

Sam hasn't been feeling very well, she's always tired, always always always. We go see the endocrinologist on the 20th. We always complain about this, but there doesn't seem to be any reason. I think the shunt tires out her body. I have no reason to think that and I've never heard of it, it's the only thing I can think of. Oh well....

Cutelin!!

Well, her favorite color is black so I thought I'd write about her in grey...Caitlin is a beautiful, funny, aggravating, smart and about to graduate from high school and start her life. She's moving to Chicago with her friend Rachel. She's going to go to college. Of course all of this is contingent on her getting financial aid.

Caitlin has a troubled relationship with her dad, my first husband. For some reason, in their family, girls are treated like complete shit. She knows this and seems to deal with it ok but it's really weird. I feel sorry for her dad, he doesn't know anything about her and will never know as much as he should. How he can live with himself, I'll never know. He's probably seen her 4 times in the last year and doesn't ever call her. He yells at her, saying she should be calling him. Whatever dude.

Caitlin is a great writer, artistic, but not in a drawing way, in every other way. She is funny and impatient. (Seems to be a theme with my kids). She has lots of good friends. Her friends are fun. They make me laugh. I am so excited for her to grow up, she has no idea. She just thinks we want her to move out so Alec can have her room. Little does she know that her mother is proud and can't wait to see how she turns out....She wants to be a lawyer. We'll see.....

Caitlin was born with a congenital birth defect in her right collar bone, it was in two pieces when she was born. It didn't bother her too much until she was 15 and so we had to get it surgically repaired. The surgery was really painful for her and then she had to have surgery to have a pin removed. Then about 10 months later, she got into a car accident. She told me her collar bone was hurting but didn't tell me about the car accident because lo and behold she had been skipping school. (Ask her how pissed I was when I got a copy of the police report). I got a call from home while I was at work, saying that Caitlin went to change her shirt and felt the bone break. Can you say OUCH?? Can you say don't lie to your mother and don't skip school? So they had to go in and fix it again. Ira (her ortho guy, who is very cute and a very nice doctor)was not happy. So they fixed it and then the pin broke so they took part of it out. And the rest is sitting in her collar bone pointed straight at her heart. So we get xrays every couple months to make sure it's not going to kill her.

I love Caitlin with all my heart and I can't wait til she grows up.

It's Saturday

Thought I'd try blue today. Green and blue are my favorite colors. I like blue better when it's with green.

Well, Alec slept til 4pm yesterday. He's been staying up later and later (they're still on Christmas vacation, they go back on Monday). So I made him take a tylenol pm and we laid down at midnight, he actually fell asleep around 1, I was really surprised. He and Sam are still sleeping. I think Monday is going to be a rude awakening. They didn't want to get up to go bowling, they love to go bowling.

Well, today I think I'll talk about Nik, my oldest. He's 20, living about 40 miles from here, working at a restaurant for the winter. He's about 6foot 1 and weighs about 140. Why is it that I have extremely thin children?? Oh yes, I used to be extremely thin myself. Arghhhh. Anywho, he went to Central Michigan University for 2 years, but we couldn't afford it this year so he's working and trying to save money for next year. He has juvenile macular degeneration, in other words, he's losing his vision. When he was younger, he was a really good baseball player, a pitcher and a really good hitter. Then when he was about 9, all of a suddent he couldn't hit the ball to save his life. We got his eyes checked and they prescribed glasses but he still couldn't hit the ball. They could never get his vision to 20/20. We took him to Childrens Hospital when he was an early teen, but they couldn't find anything wrong, other than some increased pressure and an increased cup to disc ratio (still not sure what that means). When he was 17, I took him to get his eyes checked and they optometrist said he had amblyopia, which is lazy eye and is almost always diagnosed in little kids. I was kinda pissed that no one mentioned this. So we took him to an opthamologist who said he had Stargardts, which is a form of JMD. He had some more testing done, we ended up at Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit and were basically given the news, he's losing his central vision, there's no way to fix it, we'll just keep an eye on it. Well, in the meantime, he can't see well enough to drive, so he is way more dependant on people than he likes. He holds books right up to his face to read, his print on his computer is really big and he has to be right in front or over something to see it. Try asking Nik to find something for you. You'll end up doing it yourself. But he, for the most part, takes it in stride.

Of course there's much more to Nik than his failing eyesight. He is funny as hell, lazy, extremely smart, (did I mention lazy?), impatient, very cute, and obnoxious. I have to take the bad with the good. Whenever he's with us, it adds a layer of humor that we're missing, but it also adds a layer of stress. Nik irritates everyone eventually except Sam. They are so close. Nik is about as liberal as someone can get. (He gets that from me). But he makes me look like George Bush in comparison. (And I don't like that at all). It's weird having a 20 year old son. When I was pregnant with Caitlin, I was in the hospital for 5 weeks, so I had to stop nursing him. He was about 2. Well, the day I got out of the hospital, my mom brought him back home and he looked at me and said, "I want num-nums". I love telling him this story. He just looks at me and walks away, shaking his head, cursing the moment I became his mother. He wants to major in political science so he can eventually piss off the whole world, not just residents of SE Michigan...Ok, I'll write more tomorrow, probably about Caitlin. That's something I have to psych myself up for.

Down to 2 bottles!!!

Well Sam reported at 2100 hrs as requested. She states the in bathroom liquor cabinet is down to 2 bottles. She left him a little note. It simply said, "Please stop, Love, Sammi and Alec". Do I think it will help?? Nope. But she's putting forth the effort. Nothing I've done has ever helped, maybe it will mean more coming from his children.
I have a union meeting today, which will involve cops drinking beer and yelling at each other. Almost as fun as the Rose Bowl Party!! I'll update later I think after the meeting...

2 Weeks

Went to my first ever Rose Bowl Party last night, at Brians house. He has a huge house, I am very jealous. Lots of people from work, I felt a little uncomfortable, I feel so out of place, fat, gross, ugly and totally unable to say anything without stumbling or mis-speaking. But it was still a lot of fun, cops are nothing, if not funny. I won $125 in the 3rd quarter thanks to Texas not taking that field goal kick until the 4th quarter. Thanks Longhorns!!!! I then went to Meijer this morning and spent it on groceries. Woo Hoo....such a party animal. Started working at the auto show today. This is my 5th year. It is really nice extra money. $19 an hour to switch people to someone else. God forbid, we get a bomb threat or something, but that is why they have dispatchers answering the phones, ever since 9-11. The kids are with their father tonight. Sam thinks maybe he was drinking earlier in the day, she is going to check fluid levels in his vodka bottles in the bathroom and report back to me at 2100 hours...I will let u know. I am tired, going to lay down...

Hey....

Well, I've decided to keep updating this blog. Sam's website is hers now and I have no where to write. Not sure how honest I'll be able to be, you never know who might read this. But anything I say is my opinion and mine alone.

I am married but separated. Hubby has drinking problem, been dealing with alcoholics my whole life and have decided I'm done with it. Unfortunately, I still love my husband a great deal but I am unwilling to live like that anymore. It would be easier if he was always an asshole and not just sometimes. I am broke all the time but my kids are relatively healthy (for the moment) and they are relatively happy (til school starts again next week). My oldest Nik is 20, he's on his own now, working and trying to deal with losing his sight. That pretty much started our health suck fest, about 3 years ago. Then my 12 year old daughter Sam was diagnosed with meningitis. They found a brain tumor and what followed was a 16 month "we don't want to do a biopsy" period, where she was progressively getting worse and worse. Headaches, nausea, shunt insertion, infections, malfunctions, not able to go to school....They took it out in July 2004 and altho she has a lot of hormone deficiencies,she's pretty much good to go. She is getting straight A's and is making lots of new friends. My 11 year old son Alec has anxiety and an eating disorder. Talk about crappy. He is such a strong kid, he just doesn't know it yet. We are going to a clinic in Ohio and we're working on getting him to gain weight. He only weighs 56 lbs. It's going to be a long haul but we can do. Unfortunately, hubby is not on track with us on this. He refuses to participate in any of Alec's treatment. Not sure why, Guilt??? Ignoring is easier than dealing with?? I agree but obviously it's not the right way to go when you're talking about your childs health. And my daughter Caitlin is 17. She was born with a congenital malformation in her right collar bone. We finally had to get it fixed about a month before Sam got sick. And then she got into a car accident and broke it again, so back for more surgery. She's had 4 surgeries so far I think. She a gorgeous creature if I do say so myself. She's a really good kid, other than being female and 17. She wants to go to Chicago and go to college in the fall.

Ok, that's enough for today, Sam's feeling like crap and I have some laundry to do so I'll write more later. Love, Ellen