Self Realization Sux

Ohmigod....I feel like I just got hit by a car and my best friend told me to F off all at once. I was at Chris' house, they've been watching home videos all day and Sam was excited for me to watch this one of her and Alec dancing and singing. She was like 8 so he would have been about 6. They were so cute and we were cracking up because Alec was in his underwear and didn't know the words, but very expressively singing. Then Caitlin was in the background, she helped Alec put his guitar back on after the strap broke and then she must have sang and Sam told her to be quiet. She must have sang again and Chris said to her, "Go...just go"... really snotty, Like he always talked to Nik and and a lot to Caitlin. Caitlin went upstairs and apparently I didn't say a fucking word. What the hell was wrong with me??? I can't believe I didn't say anything. Didn't I care about Caitlins feelings? Was it so important to keep Chris happy that I let my children suffer? Well the answer folks is yes. Oh my God, I just feel horrible. I just tried to call Caitlin to apologize and she didn't answer. I don't think I can ever apologize enough for what I've done. I just left his house in tears, the kids calling after me, but I am so ashamed of myself, I couldn't face them. How do you deal with something like this?? Can I ever forgive myself??? Sam asked me tonight if Chris is coming to summer camp with us...The answer is now no....I'm pissed at him too, all Caitlin wanted was to be part of what we were doing and he sent her away. I think Caitlin and Nik spent most of their teenage years up in their rooms, away from him and away from me because apparently I was a big chicken shit around him. Nothing like that will ever happen again...Ever...